


Dear Varric

by markantony



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst, Dead Clan Lavellan, Divine Leliana, Dorian is in Tevinter, Gen, Heavy Angst, Inquisition Disbanded, Kirkwall (Dragon Age), Letters, M/M, Post-Canon, Post-Trespasser, Romanced Dorian
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-11
Updated: 2017-06-11
Packaged: 2018-11-13 00:47:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,233
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11173494
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/markantony/pseuds/markantony
Summary: After disbanding the Inquisition, ex-Inquisitor Lavellan writes a letter to his friend Varric in Kirkwall, where he is going to move, and expresses all his feelings.





	Dear Varric

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, hope you don't kill me for so much sadness.

Dear Varric, 

Thanks for your letter, I got it just before I left Skyhold. I have said my goodbyes to everybody. Josephine actually cried when I bid her farewell last week. I would have accompanied her all the way to Antiva if she had asked, but in her words, I needed more time on my own here in Skyhold, a week at least. She was right. There is nowhere I'd rather call home, but after everything that has happened, and when all of you are scattered around Thedas, it wouldn't make sense that I stayed longer in  _Tarasyl'an Te'las_ , as Morrigan said.

The Iron Bull and The Chargers left with Josephine. They thought it was right to scort her and they could find business in Antiva but surely you know this. Maybe you will have crossed them before this letter arrives to Kirkwall.

Sera stays in Ferelden with Dagna, as does Cullen. I'm more worried about the latter, though. I would tell him to join me in Kirkwall but that would be lying to myself because he isn't going to be able to step onto that city ever again. I hope he finds purpose in Ferelden and maybe anybody to share it with. He deserves it. Regarding Sera, she will do just fine. I wouldn't be surprised if one day she appeared out of thin air in my room in Kirkwall but I wouldn't be mad if that happened.

Blackwall returned to the Wardens just after the Exalted Council but he came to Highever expressly to wish me farewell and he told me to say hello to you when I arrive to Kirkwall but I guess I'll say it now on this letter. We haven't had the best relationship but the Grey Wardens have changed him, I can see it. 

In relationship to Leliana, I haven't seen her since the Exalted Council but she has sent me a number of letters always telling me that she is my friend and my spymaster even if she is now the Divine. We have an ally in Orlais, eh Varric? And Orlais... I don't really like what Vivienne is doing, but I don't have the strength to give my opinion on it. I am very tired of politics. I'll let that to Leliana.

I miss Cole. Your kid. I don't know if we did the right thing. I know he will always be there, in the Fade, watching us. But it isn't the same. I feel like he could express my feelings better than myself and that felt liberating. Maybe I should have heard you instead of.... I miss Cole very much.

About Cassandra. She is here with me in Highever. She is writing a letter to you as well. She wouldn't let me go alone from Skyhold to Highever, she says I'm not okay to travel alone. Maybe she's right, I'm not okay. But she shouldn't bother. It's what friends do, she says. I really admire her. She is going to rebuild the Seekers on her own. She is amazing and strong but you already know this, don't you?

I want to ask you to have ready a horse for me. Before installing in my "estate" I want to travel to Wycome to pay my respects. Put a staff on the ground, for them. I guess this is a thing one would say drunk in a tavern, drunk to the point of tears, but you know I'm not the kind for taverns. I miss them. I am the last of my clan. And I'm not even worthy about that, after having become practically a shemlem. A flat ears, they'd say. I don't have nothing in my defense to say. I hate myself for it? There are worse things that I've done than living with humans for years and adapting to their way of life. I am not proud of it still. I am not making sense. I love you all. But I wish I could have died in the Conclave. Or that I wouldn't have been sent in the first place so I could have died with my family. I'm hearing you saying "don't be harsh on you, kid, it was not your fault" but I'm not as certain. 

So I have to go near Wycome. I'd rather be alone for my short trip. Creators, I'm tearing up, thank the Creators I'm alone in my room. Cassandra's downstairs. This inn is nice.

 I feel selfish saying I feel lonely. I have many friends, in different places of Thedas, but they are there. My family is dead, but my other family is alive. Dorian's in Tevinter. We haven't seen each other for nine months now and we don't talk much on the crystal. I mostly want to know how his crusade for Tevinter is going. He has all my support ending blood magic and eventually ending slavery. I miss him. He is the most important person in my life, I couldn't have asked the Creators or the Maker for anything else. It pains me to say that I would rather have him by my side than bring my clan back to life. ~~Again being selfish~~. But I have none. Maybe that's why I'm going to Wycome, because if I can't be near him, I can be close to my clan. I wish I could be with him, because I know he couldn't be with me. He has a purpose. I don't and I don't know if I want, because I've had one for many years and my shoulders and my back are tired. I can live without one for now. 

I don't want my love for him to fade because then I'd have nothing, no reason to live. But there is fear. I can't tell him all of this because he'd leave Tevinter just to be with me and I'd see in his eyes that he wouldn't be happy, because he belongs in Tevinter, making a better world, not with his sad elf lover. Maybe it's for the best, I have already done what I was born to do and now I'll fade... Like Cole? Kind of. Sorry for being broody. I want him happy. I love him. I love Dorian. I love my clan. I loved my clan. I didn't exactly dream of being the Keeper when I was a child but now I wish I was. And have Dorian with me, complaining about living in the wilds. Or at least visit my clan with him, and telling everyone _this is my vhenan_. 

You have to teach me how to be Andrastian. Now that I know about the Creators, maybe I can find the Maker? Being faithless... Just makes me feel worse. Much worse. Well, you saw me after what happened at the Temple of Mythal. I have to occupy my time in Kirkwall in some way and I refuse to hang out in the Hanged Man with you and Hawke. If your friend Fenris is there, I'd wish to meet him. Please, tell me if Anders is with Hawke, if both of them are there. I need to make of your friends my friends. I lost my band of misfits, I need a new one.

Sorry that this letter turned into a depressing rant, Varric. If the Waking Sea doesn't kill me, we'll meet in a week, more or less.

Best wishes, 

Vaesar Lavellan.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, first of all, in my canon, Clan Lavellan lives but my Inquisitor is so adapted to human life that he can't live in the wild, and he moves to Kirkwall. Yes, I headcanon that his love for Dorian kind of fades, but let's hope DA4 proves me wrong. I wrote this fic in a few minutes because I'm having a bad time myself but I've had these headcanons in my mind for a lot of months and I'm really sad about Lavellan inquisitors. I cried writing this. Please, comment, and tell me about your Lavellan inquisitors post Trespasser.  
> I just remembered of how Inquisitor Ameridan tells my Inquisitor happiness is impossible or something like that ugh.


End file.
